At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
