saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
