apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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