true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
