The best revenge is premature balding
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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