he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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