There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
