If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
