Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
