I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
