drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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