I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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