Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
