what day is it and did you see me today?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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