Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize