someone owes me an orgasm
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
