He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
