Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
