Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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