I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
