weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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