everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
