I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
