a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
