Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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