Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
