I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
