I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
