Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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