Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
