I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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