I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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