Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
