My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize