So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize