apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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