I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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