Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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