My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
