I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize