You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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