Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
