I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize