I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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