I'm eating all of the evidence.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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