I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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