life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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