you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
