dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am spending my child support on dildos
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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