Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
