This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
