Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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