I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize