I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
