Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
