Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
