Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
