ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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