Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
