I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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