I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
