Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
