Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize