My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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