everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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